So my mom just called me. I was knocked out when she called, but my trained ears have me turning over looking for my phone on the first vibrate. The conversation we had went something close to:
"****, where are you?
"Oh. Well why?"
"Well I called the rehab center and they said that if I miss my meeting on the 27th then They're going to put me at the end of the line again. So it look's like I'm going.
"... thats great"
"ARE YOU HAPPY?"
"it looks like I'm going on the 27th but if I miss going hunting [same day] then you're going to be taking me all the way to camp, YOU'RE going to be responsible! DO YOU GET IT?"
".... What I don't get is how you can pass off so much responsibility on to me..."
"Oh god" *click*
God? Seriously, I hope you're not going to start this Tea Partier bullshit on me.
Over the last few years she's been collectively turning every aspect of what's wrong in her life and blaming it on me, or my grandma, or anyone else who has very minor goof-ups. She thinks of herself as the all knowing being in the flesh, and won't let anyone tell her anything. In my eyes, she is literally the unstoppable force. If I give in, she takes advantage of me. If I stand strong, she creates a hurricane of chaos. How the fuck do I handle this? I've been extremely loving and faithful to her ever since I could make contentious decisions... and yet she turns the blame onto me, every time... She's been drunk almost half her life, she's delusional, mental, she's lost her mind... and I can't stand it... but I can't do anything to harm her...
So is this how I understand it, that if something goes wrong it's absolutely my fault? Great, doesn't sound like any other time in my life. Shouldn't be hard. It's not like I don't already visit her on my free time as often as I can to make sure she's doing well (which she usually isn't). It's not like I don't take time from my incresingly stressful life to drive her to the doctors, and the store, and to her friend's houses', and to the emergency room whenever she needs me to. It's not like I haven't spent my whole like being flexible around her, dropping whatever I'm doing at the sound of a call, in order to help her. It's not like I haven't giver her a back rub almost every time I've ever been with her. It's not like I don't get upset when she doesn't have money to buy me things for Christmas, or when she can't afford to give me money for lunch at school. It's not like I wasn't happy eating TV dinners for most of my time spent with her... It's not like I'm ungrateful or anything, and I'm absolutely not...
My stress load is reaching maximum...