Monday, September 13, 2010

And the pain continues

I really don't know what to think anymore... or where to turn to help... or support. I'm vastly alone in this world.

My mom has had a terrible drinking problem ever since I could remember... I havent really recognized it as a big problem until recently when we've had to take her to the emergency room to get her stomach pumped... but that's jumping the gun. So here's a little history...

I was born in the beginning of the year of '91. A short year later (so short, I don't even remember it) my parents got a divorce. My mom got custody and the next thing I know we're living above a garage next to an overpass with one of her many boyfriends. He had a son and I didn't really like him, but as long as I was with my mom I didn't much care. I really don't even know how long we were there. The last I remember of that place was riding away in a police car because he hit my mom...

When I was about five years old, we moved to Alaska to stay with one of her other boyfriends. I guess she went to school with this guy. I quickly made friends with his kids, and to this day they are some of the best friends I ever had. Two boys and a girl, they were the closest thing to siblings I've ever experienced. About a year later I was flying solo on a plane back to Oregon to stay with my grandparents, my mom's parents.

My grandma was the greatest, she would do anything for me it seemed like. She washed my clothes, ran baths for me, cooked food for me, gave me candy, soda, and let me watch TV all day. Anything I wanted (as long as it didnt cost money), I thought it was great. Little did I know she has a compulsive behavior to treat everyone like a baby, and I was no exception.

Over the years of television, soda and candy I got fat, go figure. This is when I started missing my mom the most, when she wasn't around to enjoy life with me. So I enjoyed it double for myself.

When I was young I always thought I was doing something bad and my mom didn't want to see me anymore. I got it in my head that I was doing something wrong. So I decided to start paying attention. I started paying attention to everything I could... operation, cause and effect, human behaviors instantly became a big interest of mine. I would sit quietly and watch people... I would silently predict what they would say... and I would judge the outcome of the event. I would preview in my head a different universe, as if something different happened. Something more or less what the "right" answer would have been. When I enacted this process into my own home, into my grandparents home, that is when the shitstorm started. Instantly I found flaws in the system. I was young, and my thoughts didn't travel much farther than where they led me, so I didn't find many flaws right away. But slowly, over time, I found many, many flaws...

When I was in elementary school I found the internet. My first porn site was viewed somewhere close to 4th grade. I was instantly hooked. I believe this is what fed my need for rebellion, the information you could grasp from one website was more than what I was taught at home... the internet had become my new father.

Home... Where is my home? Is it my dad's house, where I was raised for a full year before the split up, and sometimes on the weekends? No, not there... was it near the overpass? Definitely not... Where was my home? Was it in Alaska surrounded by the best friends a kid could ask for? I was too young to know... Or is it where I reside today still, in the foundation of my grandparents? The same grandparents who told me it was wrong to ask "why", and said I need to just conform to their views or else be punished... I didn't think that was home. Back then, I would never call this place home. I just felt like... if I could only see my mom... then everything would be fine.

She wasn't here with me. In fact, I don't really know where she was. She would call me at night and tell me shes coming to pick me up... she told me to leave a note for my grandparents and pack my things and for me to wait for her... so of course I did, I was so excited I could barely sit still. She would pick me up in the old, dirty pickup and we would drive to... someone's house. It was usually someone new. There would be a bed laid out on the floor, or on the couch, and we would sleep next to each other, and I would feel like everything in the world was right once again.

Only for a day or so would this last, then I would have to go back to my grandparents place... weather school was starting again, or mom needed time to work things out with whoever she was with... only for a day or two I would see her. And then I was back into the grasps of my conformist grandparents...

My mom ran away when she was 14. She started smoking when she was 13, and she started drinking at 15. She dropped out of high school when she was 17 and no one saw her for a few years... Little to say, her and my grandparents were not close. My grandpa favored my mom's younger brother. In his eyes, my uncle didn't do anything wrong, he was the golden boy, and my mom was a failure. This drove my mom crazy. My grandma has no spine. She's like the worlds greatest babysitter, who always wanted to keep a close eye on you, but didn't want to take full responsibility of your development, so she just made sure the little things were in place and figured it was enough...

Now I'm 19... None of my family (with the exception of my dad's mom) has prepared any money for me for college. I'm driving a car that's older than me (which was given to me by my moms current boyfriend, probably one of the greatest men I've ever known), and I have a family tree thats broken and whithering. I don't do drugs or drink (in excess, I believe with moderation comes success). I have every asperation in the world to prove to my family that I didn't need them anyway... I want to prove to them that even though I've basically been taking care of myself since I was ten, that I can make it in life. I want to prove to them that even though I was rebellious and different, that I can still be a good person, better than they were. I want to prove to them that They were wrong about all the negative things they've said to me over the years...

My grandpa is a racist. My grandma is ignorant and rides a high horse. My dad is irresponsible. My mom is an alcoholic. Where do they expect me to go in life?

12 comments:

  1. You'll do what you expect of yourself and no more.

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  2. I feel for you dude. You seem like an extremely strong person, keep it up

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  3. I know everybody says this, but it gets better if you want it to. Sounds like your family is what's hurting you. Distancing yourself from them might not hurt? Good luck man. Hopefully you'll find your strength to get through this.

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  4. Don't give up man, better times will come.

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  5. I've been through similair my man. I don't know what to tell you though.

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  6. i grew up in a pretty broken family too i left as soon as i was out of highschool and never looked back i hope shit works out for you bro

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  7. Thanks for the support. I have a lot of problems in my family but I won't give up on them just yet, I feel like I'm a peg int he process and once I'm out of the picture the whole thing will collapse. I just want to see my mom get better is all. She has more problems than I do...

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